Always Forgetting, Losing Track, or Overwhelmed? Understanding Working Memory and ADHD in Women

We’ve all been there. You walk into the kitchen with a clear purpose, only to stop in the center of the room and wonder “why did I come in here?” Or perhaps you’re in the middle of an important meeting, a brilliant idea flashes across your mind, and by the time the speaker finishes their sentence, that idea has evaporated into thin air.

If this sounds familiar, you aren’t "scatterbrained," and you certainly aren’t losing your mind. You are likely experiencing the unique way the ADHD brain handles working memory—a core pillar of executive function.

At Flourish & Focus ADHD Services, we believe that understanding the "why" behind your cognitive processing is the first step toward moving from frustration to flourishing. Let’s dive into the science of the working memory and how to manage the emotional toll of ADHD in adulthood.

What is Working Memory? The Mental Notepad with Invisible Ink

Think of working memory as the "mental notepad" of the brain. It is the executive function responsible for holding onto small bits of information temporarily while we use them to complete a task. It’s what allows you to remember a phone number while you’re dialing it or keep the beginning of a sentence in mind while you reach the end. Thoughts, directions, or tasks often appear like “invisible ink” on our mental notepad and disappear before we can begin.

The Emotional Toll: Burnout, Shame, and Irritability

Constantly reaching for information that has already faded is exhausting. When you spend your entire day trying to "catch" thoughts before they disappear, you eventually hit ADHD burnout.

This burnout is more than just physical fatigue; it’s an emotional weight that often leads to:

• Deep-Seated Shame: The "Why can't I just remember a simple instruction?" cycle that erodes your confidence.

• Low Self-Esteem: Feeling like you are "less than", “stupid”, or “not good enough” when comparing yourself to peers. You’re frustrated because you have to work twice as hard to keep track of half as much.

• Heightened Irritability: When your mental capacity is maxed out just trying to hold onto the "invisible ink," any small interruption can feel like a crisis, leading to frustration with yourself and those around you.

The goal isn't to "fix" your memory, but to build a world that doesn't require you to rely on your internal notepad so heavily. Here are a few sophisticated, neuroaffirming strategies to offload the mental burden:

1. Externalize Your Notepad (Accept that we will forget)

If it’s not written down, it doesn’t exist. Don't trust your "future self" to remember.

• The "Brain Dump" Journal: Keep a physical notepad or a digital tool like notes, Todoist or Google Keep with you at all times. When a thought strikes, capture it immediately so you can "clear the page" in your mind.

• Voice-to-Text: If you’re on the go, use a voice assistant to set a reminder the moment you think of it.

2. Use Visual Cues (The "Point and Call" Method)

Working memory often fails because we perform tasks on autopilot. To "lock in" a memory, engage more senses. If you need to remember to take your keys, look at them and say out loud, "I am putting my keys in my bag." This physical and auditory engagement creates a stronger trace in the brain than a passing thought.

3. "Chunking" for Better Focus

Our working memory can typically hold about 4 to 7 "bits" of information. When a task feels overwhelming, it’s often because it contains too many bits for one page of your mental notepad.

• Break it down: Instead of "Clean the Kitchen," your list should say: "Empty dishwasher," "Wipe counters," "Take out trash." Each small task requires less mental effort to track.

4. Create "Launch Pads" for Transitions

Reduce the number of things you have to remember during high-stress transitions (like leaving the house). Designate a specific spot—a "Launch Pad"—by the door for your keys, wallet, and bag. If it’s always in the same place, you don't have to "remember" where it is; your environment does the work for you.

You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

Living with ADHD as a woman often means navigating a world that wasn't built for your brain's beautiful complexity. If you find that struggles with working memory, organization, or emotional regulation are impacting your self-esteem, it may be time to seek specialized, neuroaffirming support.

At Flourish & Focus ADHD Services, we provide comprehensive ADHD evaluations and therapy tailored specifically to the needs of women. Whether you are looking for a formal diagnosis or strategies to manage your unique ADHD profile, we are here to help you unmask and thrive.

Ready to find your focus and leave the shame behind? Contact us today to learn more about our ADHD evaluations and our "Ladies Let’s Unmask!” groups.

Click here for a free worksheet on working memory from our “Ladies Let’s Unmask!” Group: Working Memory Handout

Kate Vessels, LISW-S, is the founder of Flourish & Focus ADHD Services in Dublin, OH. She specializes in empowering ADHD women through clinical expertise, diagnostic clarity, and neuroaffirming care.