Building Mental Flexibility: A Guide for ADHD Brains
Life isn't black and white, even though your ADHD brain might love the clarity of either/or thinking. Reality is usually more nuanced, and that's actually good news—it means there's more room to be human.
If you've ever felt stuck in rigid thought patterns, overwhelmed by emotions, or paralyzed by perfectionism, you're not alone. Your ADHD brain isn't broken—it's just wired differently. These skills will help you work WITH your unique brain, not against it.
What Is Flexible Thinking?
Flexible thinking is the ability to shift perspectives, adapt to changes, and find multiple solutions. Your ADHD brain might struggle with this sometimes—hyperfocus can make it hard to pivot, and rigid thinking patterns can feel stuck. But here's the truth: you already have incredible strengths. Now let's add some tools to your toolkit.
The Power of Dialectics: Moving from Either/Or to Both/And
Instead of Either/Or, Try Both/And:
Either/Or: "I either finish this perfectly or I'm a failure."
Both/And: "I can struggle with finishing tasks AND be highly capable in my work."
Either/Or: "I'm either productive or I'm lazy."
Both/And: "I can rest today AND still be an ambitious person."
Either/Or: "If I need accommodations, I'm weak."
Both/And: "I can need support AND be incredibly strong."
Either/Or: "I forgot that appointment—I'm completely irresponsible."
Both/And: "I forgot this time AND I show up reliably in many other ways."
ADHD can mean intense emotions AND brilliant logical thinking. The key is finding where they meet in the middle.
The Three States of Mind: Finding Your Wise Mind
ADHD can mean intense emotions AND brilliant logical thinking. Wise Mind is where they meet in the middle—it's your inner wisdom that honors both.
Emotion Mind: All feelings, no filter
"This is too hard, I can't do it, I should just give up!"
Reasonable Mind: All logic, no feelings
"Just push through, ignore your feelings, keep going no matter what."
Wise Mind: The sweet spot
"This IS hard right now, AND I can break it into smaller pieces. Maybe I need a 10-minute break first, then I'll try one small step."
Practice Wise Mind with Real Scenarios
Scenario 1: The Inbox Overwhelm
Emotion Mind: "I have 47 unread emails. I'm drowning. I'll never catch up."
Reasonable Mind: "Just answer them all right now. It doesn't matter that you're exhausted."
Wise Mind: "This feels overwhelming, and that makes sense. What if I respond to just 3 priority emails today? The rest can wait until tomorrow."
Scenario 2: Social Plans When You're Drained
Emotion Mind: "I'm too tired. I should cancel everything and isolate."
Reasonable Mind: "You committed to this. You have to go no matter how you feel."
Wise Mind: "I'm genuinely exhausted, and I also value this friendship. Maybe I can go for just an hour instead of the whole evening."
Your Turn: Next time you're stuck, ask yourself:
What am I feeling? (Emotion Mind)
What do I know logically? (Reasonable Mind)
What feels true AND effective right now? (Wise Mind)
Opposite Action: Breaking Stuck Patterns
Your ADHD brain loves patterns—even the unhelpful ones. Sometimes doing the opposite of what your urge tells you to do can break the cycle and create new pathways.
When to Use Opposite Action:
Use this skill when your emotion doesn't fit the facts, or when acting on the emotion will make things worse.
Pattern 1: Avoidance
Urge: "I'll feel better if I scroll social media instead of starting this task."
Opposite Action: Start the task for just 2 minutes. (You can stop after, but often you'll keep going!)
Why it works: Task initiation is the hardest part. Once you start, momentum kicks in.
Pattern 2: Perfectionism Paralysis
Urge: "I need to plan this perfectly before I can begin."
Opposite Action: Do a messy, imperfect version right now—no planning allowed.
Why it works: Done is better than perfect, and progress builds confidence.
Pattern 3: Rejection Sensitivity
Urge: "That person hasn't texted back. They must hate me. I should avoid everyone."
Opposite Action: Send one kind text to one friend, even if it feels vulnerable.
Why it works: Connection combats isolation, and action creates evidence against the fear.
Pattern 4: Shame Spiral
Urge: "I messed up. I should hide and beat myself up about it."
Opposite Action: Talk to someone you trust about what happened.
Why it works: Shame thrives in secrecy; connection dissolves it.
Practice Opposite Action:
Identify one stuck pattern you've been experiencing this week.
What's the urge?
What would opposite action look like?
Can you try it for just 30 seconds?
Remember: Start TINY. Even 30 seconds of opposite action counts and builds new neural pathways.
Check the Facts: Reality Testing
ADHD brains can catastrophize or make assumptions faster than lightning. This skill helps you slow down and separate facts from interpretations.
The Spiral:
"I forgot that meeting. Everyone thinks I'm incompetent. I'll probably get fired. I'm terrible at my job. Why do I even try?"
Check the Facts:
What actually happened? I missed one meeting.
What's the evidence? My boss seemed annoyed but not angry. She said "let's reschedule."
What do I know for sure? I've done well at other parts of my job. I got positive feedback last month.
Am I predicting the future? Yes—and I don't actually know what will happen.
What's a more balanced view? I made a mistake, and I can apologize and set a phone alarm for next time.
Practice Check the Facts:
Scenario 1: Text Response Delay
Interpretation: "She hasn't responded in 2 hours. She's mad at me. Our friendship is over."
Facts: She hasn't responded yet. That's all I know for sure.
Balanced view: She might be busy. I can wait to see what happens before assuming.
Scenario 2: Project Feedback
Interpretation: "My boss gave me one piece of critical feedback. I'm failing at this job."
Facts: She gave me feedback on one aspect. She also said three things were done well.
Balanced view: This is constructive feedback to help me improve, not a referendum on my worth.
Your Turn: Next time you're spiraling, ask:
Am I thinking in extremes?
What would I tell a friend in this situation?
What's a more balanced way to see this?
What are the actual facts vs. my interpretations?
Radical Acceptance: When You Can't Change It
Some things about ADHD aren't changeable right now—and fighting reality only adds suffering. Radical acceptance means accepting reality as it is, not as you wish it were.
What Radical Acceptance Is NOT:
Giving up
Liking it
Saying it's okay
Not trying to improve
What Radical Acceptance IS:
Stopping the fight with reality
Saving energy for things you CAN change
Building systems that work for YOUR brain
Releasing the shame
Things You Might Radically Accept:
"My brain needs more breaks than others—that's not laziness, it's how my brain works."
"I will probably interrupt people sometimes, even when I'm trying my best not to."
"Task initiation is genuinely hard for me. It's not a character flaw—it's executive function."
"I might need accommodations, and that's completely valid and doesn't make me less capable."
"I will forget things sometimes, even important things. That's why I need external systems."
"My emotional regulation is different. I can feel things intensely and still be resilient."
Practice Radical Acceptance:
Scenario 1: Time Blindness
You're late again, despite your best efforts. Instead of spiraling into shame:
Accept: "Time blindness is part of my ADHD. Fighting this reality doesn't change it."
Act: "I'll set three alarms next time and build in buffer time."
Scenario 2: Rejection Sensitivity
You feel devastated by mild criticism. Instead of judging yourself for your reaction:
Accept: "My brain processes emotional information differently. This is RSD, and it's real."
Act: "I'll give myself space to feel this, then check the facts when I'm calmer."
Your Turn:
What's one thing about your ADHD that you've been fighting or judging yourself for? Can you practice accepting that this is part of how your brain works right now?
Your Flexible Thinking Toolkit: Quick Reference
When you're stuck in all-or-nothing thinking:
Ask: "What's the 'both/and' here?"
Try: Find the middle ground
When emotions and logic are battling:
Ask: "What does Wise Mind say?"
Try: Honor both the feeling and the fact
When you're stuck in an unhelpful pattern:
Ask: "What would opposite action look like?"
Try: Do it for just 30 seconds
When your thoughts are spiraling:
Ask: "What are the actual facts?"
Try: Write them down to see them clearly
When something can't be changed:
Ask: "Can I accept this reality and redirect my energy?"
Try: Notice when you're fighting what is
Daily Affirmations for Your ADHD Brain
My worth isn't determined by my productivity
Struggling with executive function doesn't make me lazy
I can be both challenged AND capable
My brain's differences include strengths and struggles
Progress isn't linear, and that's okay
I deserve compassion, especially from myself
I am not broken—I'm learning to work with my unique brain
Keep in Mind
Flexible thinking is a practice, not a destination. Your ADHD brain might need more practice than neurotypical brains—and that's completely okay. Every time you try one of these skills, you're building new neural pathways.
Be patient with yourself. You're doing something brave by learning new ways to think.
You've got this.
The skills in this post are adapted from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) and tailored specifically for ADHD brains. These evidence-based techniques can help you navigate the unique challenges that come with thinking differently.
Resources for Further Learning:
Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT Skills Training Manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
McKay, M., Wood, J. C., & Brantley, J. (2019). The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook (2nd ed.). New Harbinger Publications.
Solden, S. (2012). Women with Attention Deficit Disorder (2nd ed.). Underwood Books.
Matlen, T. (2015). The Queen of Distraction: How Women with ADHD Can Conquer Chaos, Find Focus, and Get More Done. New Harbinger Publications.
Written by Kate Vessels, LISW-S Interested in Our Services? Sign up for services today!
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